When I first started writing this book, an interesting thing happened. It was going to be Event Horizon and was going to finish what I’d loosely called “The Max Trilogy.”

But while editing it, I came to the realization that I had an untold story here. In the book, one of the numerous characters, Marshal Pam Harmon gets wounded during a raid.

If you’ve ever been badly injured, then it’s a big deal to you. Pam gets wounded in the heat of battle, and I went and glossed it over with a couple of paragraphs. I had to stop and think, what does that do to a someone. Having been injured in the line of duty several times, I had ample experience to draw from.

So, I split the books. Broken People,” deals with recovering from that pain. Event Horizon which will close the first four books and set the stage for the next series should be out around Christmas.

So, I set out to tell the story of dealing with pain in Broken People. and I came face to face with an old adage that states a writer mines their soul for their story. They dig down like a miner into the earth for gold or silver, sifting through their memories like so much earth as they follow the vein of emotion. They find their hurts, their joys, and funnel those into their characters.

If so, then I strip mined my heart and soul for this book. And not, just mine, but the memories of others. I listened to what was said by a lot of different people and put them into one character. I made her go through the pain a lot of people feel but hide.

But then, I discovered, she wasn’t alone in my story. Almost every person in the story was hurting. One still has unresolved issues. Another, hints at something but never talks about it. Another is facing a crisis as he dies of Cancer.

it also made me pause and wonder why I’d tried to ignore what she was surely going through in the beginning. it wasn’t for lack a talent or understanding of the issues involved. Instead, I was involved in a very human emotion called denial. If I didn’t dig into the injuries of the past, then they didn’t happen. And when I looked, I had to deal with it.

And it led me to an understanding that I knew in with my brain but didn’t fully acknowledge with my heart. Everyone is hurting in one way or another.

If we’re a hundred percent honest with ourselves, there’s something(s) that causes us pain. There’s a reason we toss and turn at night or wake us up in a sweat. And that same something will separate us from each other and God. Indeed, a common statement I’ve heard is that people wouldn’t want to know me if they knew what I’ve done. They also go on to say, “How can God possibly want anything to do with me after what I’ve done.”

And that’s where I found myself. Writing this caused me to look at myself deeper than I ever have. Now, understand. I’ve been a born again, spirit filled Christian for over thirty years. I thought I’d forgiven all the wrongs against me. But writing this made me realize that I still held onto some of them. I huddled around those hurts like a cold man might a fire. And as long as I did, I kept the offense against the people who inflicted them.

In the course of this, I found myself attacking the problem on two fronts. One was through the VA. I’d never gone through VA counseling. You hear the news stories about the VA and most of it is painted black. But then the news has to sell so they would. I learned two really astonishing things from the VA (and I continue to go through it). One, is that I’m not alone. There’s a lot of people on this journey. I learned is it’s OK to have those feelings. It’s through exploring them what we’re able to look at them and let them go.

But the biggest surprise came from the Christian camp.

In the book, Will Diaz comments that the hurts and pains we gather is like a creature you cage up and try to ignore. But it won’t be ignored. it growls and howls and haunts your dreams. Hang onto that, because I’ll be coming back to it.

I also went and visited my pastor. We did a very interesting exercise (which I repeat in the book). In this, we went back to the moment of hurt, and then we asked Jesus to step into the situation. He asked me what Jesus was doing and I almost responded keeping me from choking the life of someone who deserved it. He was standing between me and the person inflicting the pain. But I began to realize that He was with me at every step.

When we finished and I was leaving, I said something that made little sense to me at the time, I told Pastor Alan Kraft that I’ve carried that corpse around for much too long. Afterwards, I attempted to locate this man. I can’t find him. Either he dug a hole and pulled it after himself or he’s left us.

And here I’ve been, still allowing myself to be hurt by someone long in my past and who just might be dead.

Then I came to another realization. It wasn’t the pain and hurt I was shoving into a cage. I was trying to shove God into it. Good luck with that. Since I wouldn’t listen to the still small voice that was telling me I was messing up, it got louder and louder. Jesus said, “you shall know the truth, and it will set you free.” Of course, it can make you miserable first.

Ignoring it is exactly what happened.

And that was the other revelation. It wasn’t just this one man. He became the focus of every bit of anger and hurt I’d carried for in my life. I heaped what had been accumulating for decades onto him. In a very real way, he became the scapegoat for everything I’d shoved down deep and tried to ignore.

And then I wondered why I found myself at one point within a heartbeat of killing him. He’d been just the latest in a long line of asses (I can say it, it’s in the Bible) and I had to forgive him.

And here’s the really sad part of this. I was completely unaware I was harboring those feelings.

If there’s one thing this experience taught me is that the “Christian walk” isn’t a destination. Walk doesn’t exactly catch what it is. Walk makes one think of a pleasant promenade through the park. There are beautiful flowers to look at, great water features, in general relaxing.

It’s anything but that. The Christian walk is a voyage of discovery. It’s about finding out who we are in God’s eyes. it about stubbing our toes and falling down and getting back up. It’s about finding that we’re too tired to continue the journey, and tossing ourselves down like hurt children and don’t want to move. I

And that’s when we find out that God waits for us. He helps us to get back up, dust us off, even carry us if needed.

I’m still in the process of getting back up. Theirs a long line of people I’m working on forgiving. But the important part is that I resume the walk.

I leave this entry with two blessings from my ancestors.

One: May the road rise up to meet you and may the wind be at your back

And Two: Vaya con Dios!